I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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