why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
