I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
