I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
