omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
