Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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