you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
