My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
