The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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