you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
