Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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