i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I look better un-naked...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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