College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
