"it" just moved
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
