Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
