final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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