i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
