Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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