he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Two words: nipple clamps
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