Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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