I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
