Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
