when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There r osticjed everywhere
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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