My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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