got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just gift wrapped bread.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
