Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
