last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
