did you get engaged???
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize