I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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