my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
