you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
