I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
