I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
