She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
