Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
