He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
