Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Two words: blizzard sex
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
