God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Damn victory sex feels great
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
