i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
