Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
