I'm gonna have a badass scar
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
