The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
