You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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