I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
