True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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