in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
