i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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