did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
