I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
