she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
