I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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