Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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