That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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