I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize