so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
