I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
