I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
