We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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