my phone needs a breathalizer
Michael Bay diarrhea
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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