I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
