You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
