also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
